Afraid of My Own Shadow

Who's afraid of the big bad writer?

Well folks I am.

Fear is debilitating and honestly I am ashamed to admit it.

The challenge currently faced is fear of failure, fear of not being quite good enough and maybe a little fear of success.

Talk about a cluster f***.

Even though I am trying to learn and absorb all the information out there to start my own online biz, I still find myself here talking as the Kung Fu Girl in Disguise rather than biting the bullet and moving forward on what I know in my heart will be a kick a** website.

Where is the niche? What is the target audience? Who the hell wants to hear what I have to say?

I am a self-help book waiting to happen.

Solution:

I am sick of complaining and listing all the wrongs and left turns in my life. I decide today that I will concentrate on believing in myself and treating myself the way I treat others. I deserve to be taken care of and I deserve to put myself first to be happy.

This weekend I am pulling the metaphorical trigger and by Sunday at midnight I will have a target market and an ideal reader.

Wow. Just typing that sentence released a tremendous pressure from between my shoulder blades.

Its good. I am good. I cannot do all the things but the things I can do I will do well.

Accountability is a bitch so I'll see you Sunday night!

Okay....Now What?

I did it.

I purchased a domain name and installed WordPress.

Then I stopped.

I don't have a niche/passion/direction in hell.

More accurately I have several thousand ideas that sound amazing for about 30 seconds before the next one takes over and I think all the old ideas are worthless.

This is absolutely frustrating. I finally took the first step and now a stall. So I keep trying to gather information and I am writing some freelance pieces to keep the creative juices flowing.

Stay tuned...

Just write SOMETHING

That is what all the books and other bloggers said would help break the invisible handcuffs squeezing my creative brain for the past two years. As usual when I post I am in a time of transition and angst and I am searching for the 'next big thing' to turn my life inside out.

To ensure complete transparency I must mention that all my thoughts are fueled with the hope of adding income streams to help with some pressing debt needs. Life might look different if I did not have those worries but the truth is I do and I need to embrace that reality.

Moving on here are my current brain swimmers:

1. Continue this personal, non-focused blog that I would use to practice my writing. Note: This option shows no immediate signs of revenue assistance.
2. Start a new blog focused on a passion/niche/business that has the possibility of opening additional streams of revenue. This type of blog would require set up time and that most difficult mountain to climb - deciding on a niche and the all important name. This is attractive because there are countless opportunities to expand once you are up and running. Examples: webinars, podcasts, printables, e-courses, etc.
3. Start a part-time freelance writing career in earnest. This would require starting a separate website, creating samples and searching for clients. And of course the name....
4. Consider becoming a life-ish coach. This could co-exist with either a blog or separate website. There is lots of options here as well. A decision would have to be made to pay for additional training and certification (there is some limited online training I am taking). At this point in the money war I am losing and the well is dry. 
5. Continue to write through Upwork and other freelance sites as opportunities arise. There is some good paying opportunities available but this type of writing is usually ghostwriting which does not further any hope to branch out into a more formal writing environment. Most likely will have to stick with this one for a while anyway to up the income.

Well getting that all in one place is kind of scary and exhilarating at the same time. I have a fantastic full-time job that I have no intention of leaving so whatever path I choose to skip down it will at least initially be part-time.

So there it is in the confines of a black-and-white internet post. Now all I have to do is decide. If you are out there and you want to throw your opinion into the ring please so. If not you won't read this so no harm done.

Junk Food Throwback

What is it about family that drags you back to your childhood eating habits?

Before I begin I want to say adamantly that my parents made sure that my brothers and I had a nutritious breakfast, lunch and dinner every single day of my childhood.

However, I was blessed with growing up in the late seventies and eighties. The time when junk food became...well junk food. Fast food consumption increased exponentially as more and more women returned to the workforce. Packaged and processed foods were easier to direct your attention to for snacking. Opening a bag of Doritos was much easier than washing and cutting an apple. Not to mention that grocery stores were offering specials on Little Debbie's and potato chips rather than salad greens and bananas.

Needless to say my childhood holds memories of Fruity Pebbles, Captain Crunch and Lucky Charms for breakfast; Kool-Aid and Fudge Stripes for a snack; Ballreich's chips for lunch; Jell-O pudding pops for dessert and Pepsi with our buttered popcorn at night.

I am by no means complaining that I had access to these delectable and highly addictive treats. I realize that many did not have the money to purchase such luxuries and I consider myself lucky that we were in a position to do so.

Let us get back to the addictive part. It is no secret that processed foods are the bane of our existence and a main reason for the decline in human health and the rise in obesity. Yet they still are readily available and if you have tried couponing you realize that the marketers of the world are still pushing you to purchase these convenience foods.

As I aged I grew into a more whole-food based diet which was by no means perfect. I still only use Jiff Peanut Butter (although in my defense I switched to natural) and always have Pepsi (never diet) in my fridge.

Both my brother's diets also grew to appreciate more non-processed foods, which took a huge hit when they started having children. Mac & Cheese and chicken nuggets are universally loved by all children and sometimes dinner is a fight not worth fighting. But overall the three of us made it out of our childhood into a better-for-you world of food.

Except when we are together.

My brother and his family visited this past week and both of us are "dieting" (him more than me). When shopping for food I spent little time on the outside of the store and more time in the cookies and chip aisle. It is a habit. I revert to what I know. So sure we had some healthy-ish meals but we also partook in PB & J sandwiches, chips, fruit snacks and of course Chips Ahoy cookies.

I would love to say that this is an isolated incident but this sort of thing occurs every time I am with my family. When I go home to my parent's house and we all get together it is like snack world exploded onto our table. At home on a regular basis I rarely snack and drink pop (soda, Coke, whatever you want to call it) maybe 2 or 3 times a month.

At Mom & Dad's? I snack constantly and drink at least 2 pops a day.



Is it for comfort? Is it complete regression? I really don't know.

What I do know is that nothing will change unless ALL of us decide it is the right thing to do. We all have health issues that need to be addressed and cutting out processed foods would absolutely be a step in the right direction.


Might be time to hold a family meeting and get down to business.

Either that or grab a bowl of Moose Tracks ice cream and chase it with a Nesquik chocolate milk.

Clutter

I love clutter. There I admitted it for all the world to see.

When I have a job, with a desk it is a complete disaster. Piles of papers, snacks, scattered pens, etc. but I know where everything is and that makes me comfortable.

At home my spaces (and I will admit some of the shared spaces) are full of my clutter. Bills, magazines, sweatshirts, books, etc. and I am completely at peace with that.
My better half however loves things neat and tidy all the time. ALL THE TIME! Well unfortunately for him I am not made that way and lucky for me he loves me anyways.

Then there is the 5% of me that craves order and a streamlined process of all the "stuff" in our lives. I secretly love when the counters are clean, when I can shut all my drawers because clothes are folded and not just stuffed into them and when you can actually see the floor in the closet. These things do make me happy and calm. Could it be that all those Feng Shui artists are correct?

Sometimes, like fall and spring, I will go crazy and get everything in order. Then two weeks later it looks like a tornado ran through my living room. Was I just born to be a clutter bug?

While other kid's houses had the "do not touch" living room our house was always lived in. Which is a way of saying the memories made in the house were always more important than the way it looked. To this day it is why I am always immediately comfortable wherever my parents are living because they bring that mentality with them.

Can the two parts of me co-exist? Or do I have to pick a winner and stick with it?


You know it is spring so my two weeks of clutter-free existence is coming. Maybe I can hold off on making this decision until summer.....

Blog Focus

As I jump start my blog life I am wondering if I should lean towards a particular focus. Do I want my blog to fit into a special niche like food, travel, funny, weight loss, serious, etc.? Or I am using my blog for therapeutic reasons so my rambling can overlap many different areas?

This question has been on my mind for a while and to be honest was one of the excuses I used while not writing on it. If I could not even decide on a  theme then how could I write effectively? I am awesome at excuse making and even more awesome at excuse accepting! Not the best combination in the world.

Well truth be told I have not told anyone that I am back on the blog. When I over analyze that decision (as I do most things) I realize that this blog is my therapy especially when my actual therapist does not take my current medical insurance carrier.

I use it to explore my fears, my wants, my responsibilities, food and travel experiences, questions I feel have to be asked to the world and all the other things roadblocking my mind.

I am currently working on a book review (one of my freelance writing gigs) and part of the review is a description of how I, as a woman, process information. My description included picturing a maze (the hedge kind not corn because corn mazes give me nightmares). As I go along the hedges I am absorbing and using all the present information available to me about a certain situation. Yet when I hit a dead end I am picking up facts and signs from the past and the future. So every decision I make is based on all three (past, present and future). Most woman I know process information in a similar fashion. So as to say while most men think linearly and in the present, woman never just take the the current experience into consideration.

I think this blog is part of my process. It gives me a place to express my views on any given subject and work through any questions or issues I am having due to a past experience or future concern or dream.

Bottom line: No blog focus.

It may not make me one of the most searched and followed blogs or help me snag a writing job, but hopefully it will fulfill a recently missing piece of my thought process.

Over and Under Qualified

As previously mentioned, I currently find myself in pajamas on a daily basis staring at the computer willing the job postings to change and for my magic dream job to appear.
However, I am stuck in this awkward space between being over-qualified for jobs such as cashier or administrative assistant and being under-qualified for jobs in the technology and medical arenas.

When you are under-qualified you can talk yourself up and manipulate your skills and talents to fit the desired position, but you cannot make up certifications and degrees. This leaves you at the bottom of the stack of resumes on the human resource desk. Although I accept this outcome and understand why I am not able to take a job being a medical assistant or an IT manager.

Being over-qualified is painful. I am not afraid to work. My parents made sure my brothers and I knew and appreciated a substantial work ethic. Even though I prefer to find a job at my knowledge/skill level, I would never snub my nose at taking a job where I am over-qualified. The problem is they do not want the likes of me. Crazy talk right? They see my resume and the last 10 years of my professional life and immediately I move to the bottom of the pile of resumes again. In their eyes an applicant with my work history is not a good bet. They see me as a flight-risk because it appears that I will leave as soon as a job in my area opens up. So spending money on training me and working me into their schedule is not a cost benefit for them. Don't get me wrong, I get it, but it frustrates me to no end.

So here I sit in the middle. I cannot make up qualifications (well I could but there is something very ethically and legally wrong with that) and it would be hard to delete 10 years of my work history so I look more like a viable candidate for a position as a cashier at the local grocery store.

I had to (gulp) file for unemployment. Just writing that sentence made my stomach clench and bile enter my throat. Where I come from unemployment is a dirty word and one which you avoid at all costs. Even though it is your money, you should be working hard to not need it. It was hard but I did it because I have responsibilities to pay. It is an unfavorable sensation I feel each time I file my weekly certification and track my work searches.

So how does this all reconcile? Where do I go from here? I honestly do not know. I am trying out some freelance writing, which has proved to be an amusing distraction. But it is a hard world to break into and the pay is not always consistent.

And still you'll find me even on Saturday mornings in my pajamas scouring the internet for anything new that might meet me in the middle.

Clean Slate

Deep breathes I am starting over. 

I feel like I need to introduce myself as "Hello my name is Jackie and I am a derelict blogger."

 In reality life just happened and when push came to shove the blog slipped the cracks.

I have now been given the opportunity (read unemployed) to re-launch my writing passion and the best place for me to do that is right here in front of billions of would-be readers. I could certainly go on and on about where I have been and what has been happening but I need this cold glass of water in the face in order to commit to living a different life. 

I hope you enjoy what you read and if you have any comments or questions please let me know. Thank you for your support.

Downward Spiral of WTF!

Do you ever wake up and realize that indeed you do live on a glacier (thanks Grace for that lovely adjective) in June and you have 6 kids (adults but I am old enough to be at least their older sister) looking up to you for guidance? Well I have...today actually. And the bitch of it is that I have no clothes for Christmas in June nor any freaking clue what to tell these kids. I am at a complete loss as to where to go next.
I feel kind of like the poem "Who's on First". All discouraged and confused and the beginnings of a bottle of wine a night habit. Ugh...although on the bright side at least last night it was a bottle of Kung Fu Girl. Very tasty indeed.
Silver lining in all this...
A beautiful view of Lake Superior (even though it has been through rain clouds and fog since I got here) everyday on the way to work and a family vaca in 4 days.
I'll make it because it's what I do. Although it is the first time in a while that I am truly worried about my sanity and dedication to getting the job done right.
But then again maybe this is just what a girl (and boy) needs to kick their asses into gear to get started on the next chapter of their lives and get rid of this crazy lifestyle.

Until next time folks....

Boxes, bins and bottles of wine....

So countdown to moving day: T-minus 5 days and counting

75% of my life is packed neatly into boxes and plastic bins, labeled appropriately and entered into my notebook. The other 25% will either be making the journey to the Arctic Circle with me or when I try to shove everything into Shady I will find that it will not fit and will have to find someplace to store it.
The joys of moving.

I have no real news per se. Marvin is healing from surgery, we are trying to tie up all our loose ends here in Lexington and I am trying not to eat everything in sight. I pretty much gave up tracking this past week for fear of going insane. I have tried to make OK choices but am not stressing yet because I just can't deal with anything else on my plate right now (unless it is chocolate-covered or cheesy deliciousness). I will attend my final Lexington WW meeting this Wednesday and then move on to the new meeting location in Marquette next week. If nothing else I am going to try to not miss meetings while all this transitioning is taking place. Hopefully the rest will fall into place.

I started this post because it had been a while and although I am not sure who still is reading I thought it would be good to check in. But folks I am tired. Bags under the eyes, yawning, drinking a glass of wine and typing in bed tired. So I am signing off for now. I hope that this new change in scenery will inspire a bit more writing on my part.

Thanks to those that still check every once in while to see if I write. I appreciate the support!

Stress and Emotional Eating Premonition

So what do you get when you have two weeks to close your account, pack your life, attend a useless work seminar, support your boyfriend as he has his gallbladder removed, move 766 miles to a new place that doesn't even have a chain grocery store, and then start a new account 48 hours after unpacking your suitcase????
Well I'll tell you what you get...some tough ass emotional eating situations.
I have being doing great on the WW although not exactly following the plan (basically not tracking). I have lost just over 15 lbs. which is awesome but still quite a bit to go. I have been having to eat out a lot and I have tried to make good choices but lately the stress is getting to me and I am struggling to stop myself from eating pizza every day for lunch. And not those Lean Cuisine cardboard microwave pizzas...but the deep dish pan pizza from Pizza Hut. I am winning some battles though. Today I was famished and rushed and wanted to head straight to McDonald's for a Happy Meal. But instead I ran into Subway and had a 6" turkey on wheat with some Baked Lays and a Pepsi. Not too bad considering the alternative.
But I am concerned that the next few weeks and the change in jobs and homes is going to throw everything out of whack. It will just really be a test for how much I want this. And fitting into the smaller size pair of jeans is quite a good feeling.
I'll let you know....

Bikini as motivation

So I sailed the seas and made it without hurling over the side of the ship. Caught a wicked cold on the last day but all in all it was a sickness-free journey to the Caribbean.
And guess what???
I wore a bikini (actually 3 different bikinis) in public! And I didn't even rush to get in the water or strategically place the towel to hide my tummy roll. I proudly wore the swimsuit and felt good!
So why with all that goodness am I back in reality and not tracking?????
I could blame it on the sickness. When I catch a cold I lose my appetite so basically if anything looks good at all I just eat it regardless of whether it falls into the "good for you" zone or not.
But truth be told I am just being lazy and all that is doing is probably de-railing my progress.
I missed my WW meeting while on the cruise and then unfortunately I was hacking up a lung last week so decided against bringing the death to my WW peeps. So two weeks of unaccountability is not good for the weight loss.
And of course this week I have another excuse waiting in the wings as we (my team and I) have been invited to attend the horse races at Keeneland in a box seat this Wednesday afternoon. So there is a chance that I will not be able to skate out on time since it is a work-social function.
But I miss it....I miss my leader and all the folks who say hi and ask how I'm doing and you know what? I miss knowing. I feel that I didn't do so bad on the cruise but then when I couldn't weigh in right after I think the eating to feed the demon (read mac-n-cheese, happy meal, fudgesicles, pudding, etc...) has skewed me off course. Very frustrating.
So I've decided to really try and make the meeting. I will drive separately and maybe I can slide out without anyone noticing.
I really need the motivation and accountability because this weekend Marvin is taking me to Asheville for my birthday and I want to be in the healthy choices mindset.
Well enough babbling for now. Wish me luck.

Off to Sea I go....

Today Marvin and I jet-set ourselves to Ft. Lauderdale and tomorrow board the Celebrity Solstice. I am a little nervous, a little jittery and a whole lot excited!!!!!
This vacation is very need for both of us and I can't wait to see all the awesomeness everyone keeps telling me that cruises provide.
So wish me luck, pray for good weather and I'll chat when I return!

Bon Voyage!

All things green and Irish!

Happy St. Patrick's Day all! I hope that each and every one of you find a little Irish magic today.

I can still see the green of Ireland's fields and smell the damp peat bogs (as well as see the stain they left on my tennis shoes when I stepped in one). If you have not yet ventured to the Emerald Isle I highly suggest it. Beautiful views, welcoming people and of course there is the beer;)

I for one am heading to my normal St. Patrick's Day ritual of drinking the dark nectar of the God's (Guinness for those who aren't in the know), listening to Irish music and participating in celebrating the day like a good Irish-American should!

Be safe and have fun all!

Almost my favorite holiday...

Is it bad to be getting up at 6am to work out so that you have extra activity points to drink more delicious Guinness on St. Patrick's Day????

Just checking:)

My new addiction

So a few weeks back I picked up Wii Fit Plus because I read it had a lot of cool things the original didn't and it did. But while perusing Amazon I also came across this:

Photo courtesy of Amazon.com

So after reading tons of reviews and weighing the options between the original, 2 or 3, I purchased the Hottest Party 3 bundle with the floor controller.

And last night after dinner I was sitting around watching the Food Network and feeling really tired. But I had been wanting to check this new thing out and had gone to lunch with a co-worker and split a piece of Bourbon Chocolate Cake with her. So needless to say a little movement would not be a bad idea.

So I hooked it up and went to the DDR School Mode to learn the moves. After finally figuring out what the hell the step zone was (not a good explanation anywhere to be found) I realized that this is HARD! I was sweating within minutes and had to change into a t-shirt. So what started out as a "learn to play in case people come over and want to play" time, turned into an all out dance P-A-R-T-Y of one.

I ran through the songs (examples include: Ice Ice Baby, Feel Good Inc., and Let's Get it Started) on beginner and even tried out the Wii Balance Board function that allows you to use hip movements and the remote and nun chuck to punch. 2 1/2 hours later I was wiped out. This thing is crazy fun!

I wanted to do it this morning for my workout in my challenge but I didn't want to stomp loudly on the floor. So I did 5 songs on the Balance Board then proceeded to do my strength routine on Wii Fit Plus.

If you have the Wii and are bored with your workout get this game. If you love to dance but are too old to go to clubs with 21-year olds get this game. Do not walk to store, do not take a bus....drive your car at a safe yet aggressive speed and get there! Or do what I did and order online. You will not regret this.

I can't wait till I have an hour to do some more!

Down 1.2lbs!

Well it worked I was down last night. Not as much as I would have liked but a loss is a loss right?
So I am pretty happy. So motivated that even though I was up every hour on the hour last night I dragged myself out of bed this morning and did the Wii Fit (mostly cardio) for 40 minutes. The sun came out today so that was most likely what got me going.
Now of course I am crashing but I am proud of myself for sticking to my WW Rise & Shine Challenge I signed up for.
Oh and to top off the day....

I am an aunt again! Welcome to the world Baby Perry! And congrats to my brother and sister-in-law.

25 Days and Counting

I have been working really hard this week on my "fit into a bathing suit" plan. I have been using the Wii Fit like a champ and have even come up with an extra cardio workout. I had a ton of laundry this week which is done upstairs. I folded everything upstairs then took it 2 pieces at a time downstairs. Last night I did 25 flights (1 flight = up & down)! Go me. I also only used 8 of my extra 35 points this week which is really good for me since by Wednesday (weigh-in day) I have usually blown them all on dessert and wine.
So why am I so nervous about going to weigh-in today? I guess it is because everyone has "off" weeks where no matter what they do they don't lose. I am afraid that this might be one of those and the vacation time clock is ticking away.
And I did a bold thing last weekend. I went dress shopping for the cruise and bought dresses in size 6. They don't quite zip up but I am busting my ass to be sure they do before the time comes. Of course I still have yet to go into dressing room hell to try on a bathing suit but I truly want to wait until it is almost time to go because they are expensive and I don't want to buy one that is too big in a few weeks. (See positive statements!)
So I have my fingers and toes crossed for this evening. I really need a loss to help motivate me through the weekend when Marvin's sister is here.
I'll let you know....

A stop and thinker...

I just finished reading this blog post Round-and-Round by a very funny blogster who I just recently started reading.
The message in this post was that we are often so caught up in the day to day "chores and duties" of life that we miss out on the important stuff. In her case it was playing with her 2-year old. But we can all relate that to our own lives.

I am very guilty of this very thing. There is dinner to be made, laundry to be done, grocery shopping to do, etc... Then something happens and it hits me like a bus that I haven't talked to my brothers or sister-in-laws in weeks, there are good friends that I haven't talked to in months and Marvin and I haven't just enjoyed each other's company all week. Life literally has passed me by.

The post mentioned above does a powerful job describing how we affect those relationships when we engage in this behavior (and admit it people, we all do it). The deflated child walking away is a visual that is bringing tears to my eyes and I do not even have children. But I can see it at home when I don't take the time to truly listen to the happenings of the day because I am doing 6 other things. Or when I rush someone off the phone because there are so many "important things" I have to get done.

I'm not sure how to stop this or at the very least slow it down. But it bothers me to know that I do this and most of the time it never registers just how hurtful or disappointed the affected party is. And on the flip side it has been done to me and I know how frustrating and upsetting it can be.

Any thoughts on how you deal with this in your life, on the giving or receiving end?

And for anyone I may have done this to, I am sorry and I care about you. I am working on it.

Non-Edible Rewards

At WW they try to instill in you a new reward system that involves non-edible awards for your goals big and small. This is proving to be extremely difficult for me to do.
Ever since the dawn of my life almost 34 years ago, food has been a reward. On your birthday it was always what is your favorite meal (back then it was scalloped potatoes and ham) or where do you want to go to dinner (I don't clearly remember but I think I would pick the Spaghetti Factory). Did well at your softball/basketball/cheerleading game? Head to Friendly's for some ice cream. Get good grades or finish your chores? What about a delicious hot and buttery bowl of popcorn from THE popcorn pan.
Now of course it is the you did a great job at work reward or the you made it through a hellish week reward of a dinner out, a cheese plate and several glasses of wine.

So what do you try and replace these edible rewards with?
I tried shopping....wonderful retail therapy but often hard on the wallet. And who really wants to buy clothes when you aren't at your fighting weight yet.
I tried a hot bath a couple of times but frankly sometimes I just don't want to get wet at night.

It is an incredibly difficult mind set to break. This past week was tough for me. I had to eat out a lot and blew it a couple of times. Over the weekend though I did really good and then "rewarded" myself with a Half-Baked Chocolate Chip Cookie from Saul Good Pub here in Lexington. Now before I chastise myself it was worth every single point. Heaven served in a cast iron skillet with vanilla ice cream on the side.
But I viewed it as a reward for good behavior. How do you break this habit? And what can you substitute or better yet replace these edible rewards with? Any ideas are welcome.

Well I am off to weigh in tonight so we'll see if the cookie can make or break you! Wish me luck.