Today my cousin died. Not yet 50 and a breast cancer survivor she had recently been diagnosed with a host of new cancers including a brain tumor. The doctors started treating the brain tumor and were going to attack the rest soon after. But it seems that God had other plans for Jenny.
Today she had a massive heart attack and has gone to a better place. One without pain and suffering.
My mourning is strange. While we were not close, we were not estranged and she has always been in my thoughts throughout all of her struggles. Part of me is angry. She could have taken better care of herself after the breast cancer, but she didn't. She could have gone to the doctor when she first noticed she was feeling off this time, but she didn't. And this frustrates me because she left behind 3 children and a family that is hurt and broken right now. I mourn for the hole in the hearts of her sisters, her daughter who will have to endure her teenage years without her mother, her two sons, one of which is engaged to be married next year. I mourn for my aunt and uncle. I think one of the most painful things in life must be for your child to precede you in death. I mourn for all of her nieces (one of which is my godchild) and nephews who deal now with death for the first time.
So I feel sadness and a heavy heart this afternoon as I receive phone calls from my cousin, my mom, my aunt and my godchild. All with tears in their voices and pain in their words. No one deserves to have their life ripped apart by cancer but it seems that more and more are having to deal with it every day. I hope that these alternative plans God has involve a way to ease this pain.
I am not sure if this post made any sense at all but as the title states...it is a bit of rambling and a lot of therapy. Sometimes writing the feelings down is the only thing that works for me.
So Jenny, wherever you are and whatever God has in store for you, I lift a Miller High Life to you, your life and your spirit.
May you rest in peace and may those that love you find a way to settle their hearts and hold on to the memories that will help you to live on in our lives forever.